it was really cold here today Alex. IF youd been home youd have been complaining about this "stupid bloody country". I got a little teary thinking about that and hoping you were warm wherever you are....and no i didnt mean that you went down lol......just that i know you hated being cold.
lost myself in hard work today, but im gonna pay for it tonight i think, my back is already aching, but it was all stuff that needed to be done. Then typically, when i did sit down i made myself sick with worrying about whats gonna happen when the house is sold. How the heck its gonna work taking people around with all the animals and stuff!! i dunno, and it worrys me.....and i can hear you saying "dont worry, itll be ok" but i dont know if it will, and that scares me. God i miss your happy go lucky, itll all be ok attitude, but i dont seem to be able to look at things in anything other than a pessimistic way lately.
I spoke to your mum yesterday by email at least. Theyre going to Raro soon, which i think will do them the world of good. You know the bottom of your mums world fell out when you went, your dad too. They need a rest, and i hope that they get it. I wish i could even think about it but i cant....i cant seem to be able to get over the fact that you arent here anymore. My mind hits that like a brick wall. NOTHING is the same any more. Im mourning you, but im also mourning me, cos im not the same person any more, i cant help that. Im finding that a lot of the things about myself that i thought id left behind when i found you, werent that far behind after all. I worry that this is it......that this is all theres going to be forever, until hopefully i can see you again. I worry that i wont be able to find a job.....im worrying all the time, even when i dont know why or what im worried about. Its crazy, but its the way it is. I cant even get out of the house...no money for gas I know i should be making an effort to be sociable, but i dont seem to be able to....not that anyone is going out of their way to see me lately. I know its hard being around someone who  is mourning, but i dont shove it in anyones face, least i dont think i do, but people seem to avoid me like i have something nasty and catching. another reason to miss you....you liked people, and they liked you.The Golden Celebration rose is flowering again so ill bring up some blooms to the cemetery tomorro. I know you liked the roses. Anyway, im gonna go and sit in front of the tv and vegetate for a while till hopefully i go to sleep. Love you baby, and i miss you,
Your catzy

Today is going to be a long day. Woke up at 3.30 ish, and couldnt get back to sleep, so was awake and watching tv reruns till about 5.30 or so. Had a little cry, cos all i could think about was that you werent in the house, and wouldnt tell me to "go to bed, ya loony"
i miss all those little things....i miss saying good morning, i miss your "MY catzy" i miss the hugs and the laughs. I miss feeling like i mattered to someone, like i was cherished. I wasnt ever used to that, but you made me feel it, you made me believe it. i miss being loved and loving in return.
This is all so hard. Why the hell do we love anyway if its only going to be taken away? Id almost given up on finding someone who would love me when i found you, and then you made me think that ok, maybe i DO deserve to have someone care about me........and then you were taken away. I dont want to go back into the greyness, but its all i can see. I wont ever renege on my responsibility to look after the animals, but Alex, its really hard on my own. Not physically, but emotionally. I keep wanting to tell you all about what your cat has been up to, but youre not here. I keep seeing things on tv that i know youd love and thinking "ill have to tell Alex about that" and then have to remind myself that i cant, even tho i do anyway. I dont know if you hear me, and i hope that youre happy wherever you are.....i dont want to believe that someone as alive as you, can just be gone. You lived more in your 27 years that a lot do in a lifetime, but you werent finished, and its just wrong that you were taken away when you and i still had so much to do together. Im writing this with tears streaming down my face, wanting to rail at the unfairness of it all, but knowing that wont do any good.
ive been thinking about going back into the bedroom, maybe just to watch a dvd, but theres just so many memories attached to that. We were watching a DVD the last nite you spent with me....it was such an ordinary night....how the hell could it end in me losing you?? how can that happen? how can someone go from munching on his favourite cookies to being dead in the space of a night? i tried so hard to bring you back.....i tried but it didnt work. and now im left all alone, and its too quiet, and nothing seems to matter anymore. A big part of me died too that morning, and i often wish the rest of me had too. But yes, i know, someone had to take care of the babies....you know theyre my lifeline, dont you? without them i might very easily have followed you, but i know that youd have been angry with me if i had, and for good reason, so i didnt. That doesnt mean i dont wish i could have tho. i cant help but think of life now, as the number of days, months, years i will have to endure without you. Life isnt a pleasure, its something to be endured, its a burden, and i just carry on thru it like a clockwork toy, going thru the motions. I know it didnt used to be like this, but it is now and its hard to remember what it felt like back then...i was a different person then.
You used to say that you were bOrken, but you werent, you just had some bits that didnt work so well. Im broken tho, and i cant seem to get the pieces to fit back together anymore, the pattern has changed, all gone to grey now. I miss you with every fibre of my being Alex, and i love you so much, and you were right.....you should always say i love you as many times as you can and i wish i had more often.
im crying too much to see the screen anymore so i think ill stop now. Wherever you are Alex, i hope you know that i love you and that you were and are, the light in my life. Wuvu.
Your catzy

A lot has happened. Today is 12 weeks to the day, that my fiance died suddenly in his sleep. It still hurts. I was of two minds as to whether or not to just get rid of this blog, but then it was suggested to me that i use it as a diary of my search for....whatever it is that im searching for. This is the thing....im not sure myself what i want, im adrift. Its like i died too on that day, and now, my body carries on doing stuff, but the rest of my isnt here anymore. I spent the last 2 years, taking care of Alex full time, and now i have no purpose. I have no job, and i dont think i could manage one even if i had one. Im just filling in the days, without anything to look forward to, to plan for...that all stopped 12 weeks ago. i miss him with every fibre of my being, and it just seems so wrong that he isnt here, wont ever be here again, that i wont ever hear his voice or be reduced to tears of laughter by some silliness of his. I just want to shout its all bloody wrong!!!!
I have no family, leastways none that i can talk with up here. Alexs mum is lovely to me, as are the rest of the family but theyre not here either, theyre downcountry. Alex and i were my family, with the animals, and im doing my best to take care of them, but a lot of that is done on autopilot, I have no one to talk to, and while most of the time thats fine cos i dont want to talk to anyone, sometimes it would be nice, but everyone avoids the person with the sadnesses. Its always been the way of humans and its no different now. Even my best friend admitted to feeling like i should "get over it" tho i understand that thats just cos she cant handle me being so upset. Sorry, but i AM upset and im gonna show it, and its gonna take a long time before its not the first thing i think of when i open my eyes and the last thing i think about before dropping off to sleep. Ive lost a part of myself and im bleeding and i cant pretend it doesnt hurt. The funny thing was that i dont think she realises just how obvious her pulling away was, and normally i guess that would have hurt my feelings, but right now my feelings are too busy with other things to care less.
I spend my days in a grey haze. i feed the cats, feed the dogs and let them out, let levi out, clear the dishwasher, and put in last nights things, watch the same tv shows over and over, day in day out, cook dinner, and maybe eat it, let the dogs in, feed levi and ozzy and put levi away and at some stage go to sleep, then repeat. I havent been able to bring myself to sleep in the bedroom, either bedroom for that matter since Alex died cos everything in there reminds me of him and i end up in tears, so i sleep on the couch so that i can leave the tv on all night to keep me company. I tend to wake up at least once a night and watch tv for a hour or two before i can try to sleep again.
i dont know if sleeping in the lounge is my way of distancing myself from the house cos i know i cant stay here, or what. Maybe it is, but i try not to think about that cos that way lies madness, I dont know what is going to happen and it scares me more than i care to admit. Ive looked for jobs but half the time i get part way into the listings and i stop, overwhelmed, or totally discouraged cos nothing is suitable. The few that ive applied for ive failed to get obviously, and that just confirms to me that im not wanted. I want alex back....i want him to reassure me that im not useless and that ill get there in the end. I thought years ago that id come to terms with being alone, and then i met him and i thought "i wont have to be alone any more" but thats not how it worked out.
He was my rock....he was the anchor that stopped me from going off the deep end, and now i dont have him anymore i dont feel stable at all, and i can feel depression looming up at me like a huge grey cloudbank. i cant write anymore
Alex, i love you and i miss you,
your catzy

Fruitful autumn

Lavender

This is my first post in a while, as life has been a little hectic. Ive been feeling a bit under the weather lately. I also got engaged, and yesterday ended up having an asthma attack and spent 5 hours in A&E lol.
In the garden things are steadily winding up towards winter. Most of the tomatoes have finished so an upcoming job will be to pull them all out and replenish the soil in the pots ready for new plants. I still do have some tomatoes that are just ripening now, so id imagine ill still be picking for another couple of weeks at least. One of the toms still with fruit is a garden peach and the other im not sure about. The fruit look to be yellow but its another of the "mystery seedlings" so we shall have to see.

Shallots

I harvested the shallots yesterday, after leaving them in the pot to cure for a week or so. Unfortunately we had some damp weather during that time so i decided to bring them under cover to finish curing. Yesterday i sat out on the swing seat and plaited them up and hung them in the garage. In spite of having three collapses of the plaits, it was a really fun job, and i felt a ludicrous amount of pride when i hung up the plait. After those three three tries i got a plait that didnt fall apart! go me!! So i now have two plaits of shallots (one rather short one cos i couldnt get it to hold together with the others), hanging up in the garage alongside the drying oregano and the lavender. The lavender is lovely and im hanging new bunches as the season progresses. Some lavenders dont hold their scent well when dried but these ones, one of which is munstead and the other foveaux blue i think, are wonderful.
I also have a couple of bunches of oregano, trimmed when, as usual the plant went crazy just before flowering. Its almost as long and lanky now as then tho, so i might just have to cut it again!
The apples are ripening apace, not yet ready to pick but many are getting some colour now. I have had one apple drop from the gala, but i dont think it was ready. Its a big apple though, so its sitting in the kitchen while i work out what i want to do with it, along with the last kilo of tomatoes. Tom sauce or passata may be on the cards, as i already have several jars of tomato relish!

Todays raspberry haul

Im also harvesting raspberries, and there look to be plenty coming. I need to fertilise them as theyre fruiting away, and id like to encourage them. Even tho they are fruiting well, theyre still only producing dribs and drabs of fruit as i only have 4 plants in total and only the golden ones are fruiting atm. Usually i get a handful a day, and rather than gobble em, im free flow freezing them so i can gather enough together to do something with them. Im not sure how well golden raspberries work in jam, but im interested to find out! I suspect the colour might be less than appealing, as it often is with yellow/white fruits, but im sure that can be fixed somehow. I dug into the base of the canes earlier in the week and took out the old and spindly canes, and i just need to tie them up again now. They have plenty of new growth at least. It all seems to be the white raspberry though. Not seeing much from the black one that is planted with it, but well see.

Veg seedlings

The seedlings are all up as well, so i DEFinately need to evict the spent tomatoes to give these guys somewhere to go.
Here we have beans at the back. These are "Patio Runner" which is supposed to be a lot smaller than the regular runner bean. I hope so as i love runner beans.
In front of that are the mini cabbages, and alongside them the caulis. The ones that havent come up yet are "Snowball" caulis, but the violet and yellow ones are all up and growing. Theres also a couple of basil "Genovese" seedlings and some coloured silverbeet, all of will be needing homes in the next week or so, so i can forsee some hard graft emptying pots and carting bags of compost lol.

Sliding on into Autumn...

Summer is over the hump and its all downhill into winter now, and you can tell in the garden. Even if its as hot as ever, and trust me, it IS!! many of the garden plants are starting to wind down.. One of the things that ive noticed in Auckland is that, while we dont get the dramatic colour changes that you do overseas where there are a lot of deciduous plants, you still see a colour change in early autumn, from the fresh bright green of the spring garden, to a more yellow/gold toned green as autumn approaches. Or maybe its just the heat affecting the foliage. That said, in an Auckland garden, things dont really slow down much due to the seasons.
I have, however planted out some of the autumn/winter veg seeds in peat pots. We have 3 different colours of cauli, yellow, purple and white, a mini green cabbage, and banking on the fact that it in general is a lot warmer on the deck than in the garden, a few "patio runner" beans which are supposed to grow in a more compact form than your average huge runner bean. I know that beans need heat, but im banking on an indian summer this year lol. Who knows? i might even get it.
The apples are looking good, most of them are at full size now, though a couple of trees, the ballerina, and the Golden Delicious, are still swelling fruit, so i need to overcome my laziness and ensure that i keep watering without fail. The Montys Surprise has HUGE fruit on it, but only about 5 of them.  Ill be interested to see if we get more fruit off it next season. If so i might have to look into another stake and some proper tree ties.
The lettuces that i planted at the beginning of the month are going great guns, so i need to pick some soon. The trouble with lettuce around here, and salad greens in general, is that im the only one that eats them. so its usually a case of feast or famine. I either have lettuces coming out my ears or i have a spindly little plant that im scared of killing if i take one more leaf lol.
The little bush basil is growing strongly now, and the scent is just stunning. I find this small leaved, globe type basil to have a much stronger flavour than the big lettuce leaf types. Only thing is they can be a tad TOO strong in some cases. You have to be cautious with them. Every time i water that plant, the smell is just lovely though.
Im still harvesting tomatoes, and along with a couple of beefsteak types, i have some more "mystery seedlings" with green fruit still to come. I dont know that  ill persevere with beefsteak type tomatoes any more though. They never produce well for me, and while i always get some fruit, its nothing on what i get from other kinds of tomatoes. Roma however has a home here forever. Roma tomatoes always produce well for me, fruiting for ages, and even when the conditions havent been the best. Last year when everything dried out to a crisp, the orange roma tomato managed to produce fruit. This year, i have 2 yellow roma plants and theyve been fruiting steadily all season. Of the 5 kilos or so that ive had from the tomatoes this season so far, the majority have been yellow roma. Definitely a keeper. Another one that i might try again next season is yellow Brandywine, ill just find a better spot for it. Its produced several good sized slicing fruits, and theyre very pretty with their red streaks on yellow, but its been attacked by both birds and snails poor thing, so its hard to judge just how well it might have done.  
Speaking of tomatoes, i have another 2 kilos in the kitchen that i have to make used of pronto. Methinks another batch of relish is on its way (i already have an order lol), but i have to get the jars first. I do have a couple of 500 gm perfitt jars, but i find thats too big, and besides i want those to bottle a little fruit. I really need to get some smaller 250 gm jars, which make just the right amount for one or two people, not a huge amount that ends up being shuffled to the back of the fridge where it can dry out and go crusty! Hopefully i can manage to get some jars before the tomatoes go yuckky. I HATE wasting them, and when you consider the effort that goes into growing them, it would be a crime. Plus i love that sense of pride you get when you have a few jars of home made preserves in front of you!! its very addictive

Things that make you go, yay!

One of which is new plants!!
Over the last day or so ive gotten my seeds, two seperate lots, and my new roses, The seeds are mostly for things to get planted for autumn/winter like a mini cabbage, and three different colours of cauli. I also got a patio runner bean, mainly because it sounded really interesting, so i might try a few of those. Hopefully therell be enough heat left in the summer for them. I also got some "Bright Lights" seed, for the coloured silverbeet, as my plants have had it, and need replacing. I also have some baby leek seeds. We shall see if i have any more luck with them than the last time i tried leeks, which as you may have gathered, was not a success. Pity as i love leeks and love using them in cooking, so fingers crossed.

Michaelangelo

With the roses i have got 3 new ones. Michaelangelo is a HT with a lovely light scent, but its the flowers that really sell it. One look and i was hooked, and i was delighted to find that when my plants arrived, the Michaelangelo was in full bloom! Hes every bit as lovely as his photo makes him appear. Im still not sure where im going to put him, or his fellow new arrivals but ill think of something!
Another of the newbies is the David Austin rose "Prospero". This one is another of the dusky purple roses, reminiscent of the gallicas, a colour that i love. He, too was in flower on arrival and his scent is all that it promised to be. His colour too will work well with the colours i have, though to be honest, who am i kidding? If i like it, itll work well, good taste be damned lol. His flowers are petal full and he has a little green button eye.

Prospero

The other rose i got was "Hurdy Gurdy" a McGredy rose that i had years ago. Its a miniature, and it has deep red and white striped flowers of lovely shape. This one unfortunately wasnt in flower, but hopefully next season ill have more of the little "peppermint" roses as i used to call them. Its great to have found this one, as ive been looking for it, off and on for several years.
Hopefully on Saturday ill have yet another new addition too, depending on whether or not the garden centre managed to get them in. This is another Austin, again one ive had before and fallen in love with. Its "Troilus", and i adore its perfume, and its unusual honey colour. OK, i know it has blackspot issues in Auckland weather, but to me thats a small price to pay for the blooms.

Four and a half jars of tomato relish

Ive been harvesting in the garden fairly steadily over the last week or so, mostly tomatoes, of which ive had a couple of kilos, (and the birds one too), and i was feeling very homesteady the other day and turned a kilo of mixed yellow roma, tigerella, aunt rubys green(which really WAS green but had been bird pecked) and garden peach and made a batch of four and and half jars of tomato relish. I dont know why, but making preserves always makes me feel ridiculously proud of myself, so much so that i finally cooked up those apricots which have been sitting in the fridge all week, into 3 and a half jars of apricot chutney this evening. This is ofc more relish and chutney than even i can eat on my own, but people love being given home made preserves. Just as long as i get the jars back! Thats the most expensive thing about preserving these days, is the jars! As the tomatoes are still going and the bigger slicers arent even ripe yet, i think that some tomato sauce may be on the cards yet. Or maybe some tomato and wood fired pepper relish, as i have a half dozen or so, capsicums ripening on the deck.
I finally harvested the last of the Honey Babe peaches today, and ate it out in the garden sitting in the sun, and it was lovely. I really have to get another one of those trees. The little one i have produced 8-9 ripe fruit this year, and id love to have enough to bottle, though the instinct with peaches is always just to eat them then and there.......and who am i to argue with instinct?

Cut 'n Braai

Yes i know, its a terrible pun, all intended to introduce the fact that we had a bbq last night.
I may have mentioned before that i love my Weber knock off bbq, and nothing cooks a butterflied leg of lamb better than a bbq, or to use the South African term, braai.
I have to say that personally i find lamb a little bit on the dull side, but roasting it on the bbq give it a much needed edge of flavour that it needs. I alway add lots of herbs when i bbq lamb too, and give it a good rub with oil and seasoning.
For this lamb, which turned out lovely, i pounded a handful of rosemary sprigs, some thyme, and lots of oregano in the mortar and pestle, I gave this a really good bashing, then added a couple of small garlic cloves, some salt and the zest of a small lemon and gave that a good working in till i had a rough paste. Then i added oil. Normally id use olive for the flavour, but i didnt have any so it was just plain old vegetable oil. You want to add enough oil to anoint your lamb before it goes on the coals and enough to baste it while its cooking. I also added the juice of the lemon to the oil just to give it a pumch, then squeezing the herby mash as you go, rub a good amount of the flavoured oil into the meat, concentrating on the meaty side (what would have been the inside of the leg)
The coals should have been started before you even got the meat out of the fridge, so by the time youve slapped on a coat of the oil, it should be ready to go. Just to remind everyone, this is when the coals have a layer of white ash on them. I set up the coals by pushing them over to one side of the bbq, and putting a drip pan in on the other side with some water in it. This could also be a flavoured liquid like beer or wine of you want. The idea is that it will catch any drips from the meat and prevent them from burning and giving an acrid flavour to your meat, and the heat will also create a moist atmosphere from the liquid, in the bbq when you close the lid.
Give the meat a final season with sea salt and freshly ground black pepper on both sides, and pop it in the bbq over the drip pan, put the lid on, and adjust your bottom vents to about half way. You want the meat to cook relatively slowly. Then you leave it alone for about 30 mins. Check it when half an hour is up and see if its cooking well. If it needs more heat, open those lower vents again, and if less, open the top vents and close the bottom ones. Baste the meat, turn it, baste it on that side and again leave it for another half hour or so. After the hour check to see if the meat is the way you like it, remembering that like in an over, the meat will continue to cook after coming off the bbq. When im satisfied with the way the meat is cooked i usually give it a few minutes directly over the coals, just to crisp and brown and get that real smoky flavour. Remove the meat from the bbq, and if you want, throw on some corn, still in its husks, thats been soaked for a while, and grill this with the lid off, just to use the last of the heat. When the corn husks are scorched and blackened, the corn is ready.
Eat!