it was really cold here today Alex. IF youd been home youd have been complaining about this "stupid bloody country". I got a little teary thinking about that and hoping you were warm wherever you are....and no i didnt mean that you went down lol......just that i know you hated being cold.
lost myself in hard work today, but im gonna pay for it tonight i think, my back is already aching, but it was all stuff that needed to be done. Then typically, when i did sit down i made myself sick with worrying about whats gonna happen when the house is sold. How the heck its gonna work taking people around with all the animals and stuff!! i dunno, and it worrys me.....and i can hear you saying "dont worry, itll be ok" but i dont know if it will, and that scares me. God i miss your happy go lucky, itll all be ok attitude, but i dont seem to be able to look at things in anything other than a pessimistic way lately.
I spoke to your mum yesterday by email at least. Theyre going to Raro soon, which i think will do them the world of good. You know the bottom of your mums world fell out when you went, your dad too. They need a rest, and i hope that they get it. I wish i could even think about it but i cant....i cant seem to be able to get over the fact that you arent here anymore. My mind hits that like a brick wall. NOTHING is the same any more. Im mourning you, but im also mourning me, cos im not the same person any more, i cant help that. Im finding that a lot of the things about myself that i thought id left behind when i found you, werent that far behind after all. I worry that this is it......that this is all theres going to be forever, until hopefully i can see you again. I worry that i wont be able to find a job.....im worrying all the time, even when i dont know why or what im worried about. Its crazy, but its the way it is. I cant even get out of the house...no money for gas I know i should be making an effort to be sociable, but i dont seem to be able to....not that anyone is going out of their way to see me lately. I know its hard being around someone who  is mourning, but i dont shove it in anyones face, least i dont think i do, but people seem to avoid me like i have something nasty and catching. another reason to miss you....you liked people, and they liked you.The Golden Celebration rose is flowering again so ill bring up some blooms to the cemetery tomorro. I know you liked the roses. Anyway, im gonna go and sit in front of the tv and vegetate for a while till hopefully i go to sleep. Love you baby, and i miss you,
Your catzy