A lot has happened. Today is 12 weeks to the day, that my fiance died suddenly in his sleep. It still hurts. I was of two minds as to whether or not to just get rid of this blog, but then it was suggested to me that i use it as a diary of my search for....whatever it is that im searching for. This is the thing....im not sure myself what i want, im adrift. Its like i died too on that day, and now, my body carries on doing stuff, but the rest of my isnt here anymore. I spent the last 2 years, taking care of Alex full time, and now i have no purpose. I have no job, and i dont think i could manage one even if i had one. Im just filling in the days, without anything to look forward to, to plan for...that all stopped 12 weeks ago. i miss him with every fibre of my being, and it just seems so wrong that he isnt here, wont ever be here again, that i wont ever hear his voice or be reduced to tears of laughter by some silliness of his. I just want to shout its all bloody wrong!!!!
I have no family, leastways none that i can talk with up here. Alexs mum is lovely to me, as are the rest of the family but theyre not here either, theyre downcountry. Alex and i were my family, with the animals, and im doing my best to take care of them, but a lot of that is done on autopilot, I have no one to talk to, and while most of the time thats fine cos i dont want to talk to anyone, sometimes it would be nice, but everyone avoids the person with the sadnesses. Its always been the way of humans and its no different now. Even my best friend admitted to feeling like i should "get over it" tho i understand that thats just cos she cant handle me being so upset. Sorry, but i AM upset and im gonna show it, and its gonna take a long time before its not the first thing i think of when i open my eyes and the last thing i think about before dropping off to sleep. Ive lost a part of myself and im bleeding and i cant pretend it doesnt hurt. The funny thing was that i dont think she realises just how obvious her pulling away was, and normally i guess that would have hurt my feelings, but right now my feelings are too busy with other things to care less.
I spend my days in a grey haze. i feed the cats, feed the dogs and let them out, let levi out, clear the dishwasher, and put in last nights things, watch the same tv shows over and over, day in day out, cook dinner, and maybe eat it, let the dogs in, feed levi and ozzy and put levi away and at some stage go to sleep, then repeat. I havent been able to bring myself to sleep in the bedroom, either bedroom for that matter since Alex died cos everything in there reminds me of him and i end up in tears, so i sleep on the couch so that i can leave the tv on all night to keep me company. I tend to wake up at least once a night and watch tv for a hour or two before i can try to sleep again.
i dont know if sleeping in the lounge is my way of distancing myself from the house cos i know i cant stay here, or what. Maybe it is, but i try not to think about that cos that way lies madness, I dont know what is going to happen and it scares me more than i care to admit. Ive looked for jobs but half the time i get part way into the listings and i stop, overwhelmed, or totally discouraged cos nothing is suitable. The few that ive applied for ive failed to get obviously, and that just confirms to me that im not wanted. I want alex back....i want him to reassure me that im not useless and that ill get there in the end. I thought years ago that id come to terms with being alone, and then i met him and i thought "i wont have to be alone any more" but thats not how it worked out.
He was my rock....he was the anchor that stopped me from going off the deep end, and now i dont have him anymore i dont feel stable at all, and i can feel depression looming up at me like a huge grey cloudbank. i cant write anymore
Alex, i love you and i miss you,
your catzy