Today is going to be a long day. Woke up at 3.30 ish, and couldnt get back to sleep, so was awake and watching tv reruns till about 5.30 or so. Had a little cry, cos all i could think about was that you werent in the house, and wouldnt tell me to "go to bed, ya loony"
i miss all those little things....i miss saying good morning, i miss your "MY catzy" i miss the hugs and the laughs. I miss feeling like i mattered to someone, like i was cherished. I wasnt ever used to that, but you made me feel it, you made me believe it. i miss being loved and loving in return.
This is all so hard. Why the hell do we love anyway if its only going to be taken away? Id almost given up on finding someone who would love me when i found you, and then you made me think that ok, maybe i DO deserve to have someone care about me........and then you were taken away. I dont want to go back into the greyness, but its all i can see. I wont ever renege on my responsibility to look after the animals, but Alex, its really hard on my own. Not physically, but emotionally. I keep wanting to tell you all about what your cat has been up to, but youre not here. I keep seeing things on tv that i know youd love and thinking "ill have to tell Alex about that" and then have to remind myself that i cant, even tho i do anyway. I dont know if you hear me, and i hope that youre happy wherever you are.....i dont want to believe that someone as alive as you, can just be gone. You lived more in your 27 years that a lot do in a lifetime, but you werent finished, and its just wrong that you were taken away when you and i still had so much to do together. Im writing this with tears streaming down my face, wanting to rail at the unfairness of it all, but knowing that wont do any good.
ive been thinking about going back into the bedroom, maybe just to watch a dvd, but theres just so many memories attached to that. We were watching a DVD the last nite you spent with me....it was such an ordinary night....how the hell could it end in me losing you?? how can that happen? how can someone go from munching on his favourite cookies to being dead in the space of a night? i tried so hard to bring you back.....i tried but it didnt work. and now im left all alone, and its too quiet, and nothing seems to matter anymore. A big part of me died too that morning, and i often wish the rest of me had too. But yes, i know, someone had to take care of the babies....you know theyre my lifeline, dont you? without them i might very easily have followed you, but i know that youd have been angry with me if i had, and for good reason, so i didnt. That doesnt mean i dont wish i could have tho. i cant help but think of life now, as the number of days, months, years i will have to endure without you. Life isnt a pleasure, its something to be endured, its a burden, and i just carry on thru it like a clockwork toy, going thru the motions. I know it didnt used to be like this, but it is now and its hard to remember what it felt like back then...i was a different person then.
You used to say that you were bOrken, but you werent, you just had some bits that didnt work so well. Im broken tho, and i cant seem to get the pieces to fit back together anymore, the pattern has changed, all gone to grey now. I miss you with every fibre of my being Alex, and i love you so much, and you were right.....you should always say i love you as many times as you can and i wish i had more often.
im crying too much to see the screen anymore so i think ill stop now. Wherever you are Alex, i hope you know that i love you and that you were and are, the light in my life. Wuvu.
Your catzy