it was really cold here today Alex. IF youd been home youd have been complaining about this "stupid bloody country". I got a little teary thinking about that and hoping you were warm wherever you are....and no i didnt mean that you went down lol......just that i know you hated being cold.
lost myself in hard work today, but im gonna pay for it tonight i think, my back is already aching, but it was all stuff that needed to be done. Then typically, when i did sit down i made myself sick with worrying about whats gonna happen when the house is sold. How the heck its gonna work taking people around with all the animals and stuff!! i dunno, and it worrys me.....and i can hear you saying "dont worry, itll be ok" but i dont know if it will, and that scares me. God i miss your happy go lucky, itll all be ok attitude, but i dont seem to be able to look at things in anything other than a pessimistic way lately.
I spoke to your mum yesterday by email at least. Theyre going to Raro soon, which i think will do them the world of good. You know the bottom of your mums world fell out when you went, your dad too. They need a rest, and i hope that they get it. I wish i could even think about it but i cant....i cant seem to be able to get over the fact that you arent here anymore. My mind hits that like a brick wall. NOTHING is the same any more. Im mourning you, but im also mourning me, cos im not the same person any more, i cant help that. Im finding that a lot of the things about myself that i thought id left behind when i found you, werent that far behind after all. I worry that this is it......that this is all theres going to be forever, until hopefully i can see you again. I worry that i wont be able to find a job.....im worrying all the time, even when i dont know why or what im worried about. Its crazy, but its the way it is. I cant even get out of the house...no money for gas I know i should be making an effort to be sociable, but i dont seem to be able to....not that anyone is going out of their way to see me lately. I know its hard being around someone who is mourning, but i dont shove it in anyones face, least i dont think i do, but people seem to avoid me like i have something nasty and catching. another reason to miss you....you liked people, and they liked you.The Golden Celebration rose is flowering again so ill bring up some blooms to the cemetery tomorro. I know you liked the roses. Anyway, im gonna go and sit in front of the tv and vegetate for a while till hopefully i go to sleep. Love you baby, and i miss you,
Your catzy
Sunday, 21 July 2013
Friday, 19 July 2013
Today is going to be a long day. Woke up at 3.30 ish, and couldnt get back to sleep, so was awake and watching tv reruns till about 5.30 or so. Had a little cry, cos all i could think about was that you werent in the house, and wouldnt tell me to "go to bed, ya loony"
i miss all those little things....i miss saying good morning, i miss your "MY catzy" i miss the hugs and the laughs. I miss feeling like i mattered to someone, like i was cherished. I wasnt ever used to that, but you made me feel it, you made me believe it. i miss being loved and loving in return.
This is all so hard. Why the hell do we love anyway if its only going to be taken away? Id almost given up on finding someone who would love me when i found you, and then you made me think that ok, maybe i DO deserve to have someone care about me........and then you were taken away. I dont want to go back into the greyness, but its all i can see. I wont ever renege on my responsibility to look after the animals, but Alex, its really hard on my own. Not physically, but emotionally. I keep wanting to tell you all about what your cat has been up to, but youre not here. I keep seeing things on tv that i know youd love and thinking "ill have to tell Alex about that" and then have to remind myself that i cant, even tho i do anyway. I dont know if you hear me, and i hope that youre happy wherever you are.....i dont want to believe that someone as alive as you, can just be gone. You lived more in your 27 years that a lot do in a lifetime, but you werent finished, and its just wrong that you were taken away when you and i still had so much to do together. Im writing this with tears streaming down my face, wanting to rail at the unfairness of it all, but knowing that wont do any good.
ive been thinking about going back into the bedroom, maybe just to watch a dvd, but theres just so many memories attached to that. We were watching a DVD the last nite you spent with me....it was such an ordinary night....how the hell could it end in me losing you?? how can that happen? how can someone go from munching on his favourite cookies to being dead in the space of a night? i tried so hard to bring you back.....i tried but it didnt work. and now im left all alone, and its too quiet, and nothing seems to matter anymore. A big part of me died too that morning, and i often wish the rest of me had too. But yes, i know, someone had to take care of the babies....you know theyre my lifeline, dont you? without them i might very easily have followed you, but i know that youd have been angry with me if i had, and for good reason, so i didnt. That doesnt mean i dont wish i could have tho. i cant help but think of life now, as the number of days, months, years i will have to endure without you. Life isnt a pleasure, its something to be endured, its a burden, and i just carry on thru it like a clockwork toy, going thru the motions. I know it didnt used to be like this, but it is now and its hard to remember what it felt like back then...i was a different person then.
You used to say that you were bOrken, but you werent, you just had some bits that didnt work so well. Im broken tho, and i cant seem to get the pieces to fit back together anymore, the pattern has changed, all gone to grey now. I miss you with every fibre of my being Alex, and i love you so much, and you were right.....you should always say i love you as many times as you can and i wish i had more often.
im crying too much to see the screen anymore so i think ill stop now. Wherever you are Alex, i hope you know that i love you and that you were and are, the light in my life. Wuvu.
Your catzy
i miss all those little things....i miss saying good morning, i miss your "MY catzy" i miss the hugs and the laughs. I miss feeling like i mattered to someone, like i was cherished. I wasnt ever used to that, but you made me feel it, you made me believe it. i miss being loved and loving in return.
This is all so hard. Why the hell do we love anyway if its only going to be taken away? Id almost given up on finding someone who would love me when i found you, and then you made me think that ok, maybe i DO deserve to have someone care about me........and then you were taken away. I dont want to go back into the greyness, but its all i can see. I wont ever renege on my responsibility to look after the animals, but Alex, its really hard on my own. Not physically, but emotionally. I keep wanting to tell you all about what your cat has been up to, but youre not here. I keep seeing things on tv that i know youd love and thinking "ill have to tell Alex about that" and then have to remind myself that i cant, even tho i do anyway. I dont know if you hear me, and i hope that youre happy wherever you are.....i dont want to believe that someone as alive as you, can just be gone. You lived more in your 27 years that a lot do in a lifetime, but you werent finished, and its just wrong that you were taken away when you and i still had so much to do together. Im writing this with tears streaming down my face, wanting to rail at the unfairness of it all, but knowing that wont do any good.
ive been thinking about going back into the bedroom, maybe just to watch a dvd, but theres just so many memories attached to that. We were watching a DVD the last nite you spent with me....it was such an ordinary night....how the hell could it end in me losing you?? how can that happen? how can someone go from munching on his favourite cookies to being dead in the space of a night? i tried so hard to bring you back.....i tried but it didnt work. and now im left all alone, and its too quiet, and nothing seems to matter anymore. A big part of me died too that morning, and i often wish the rest of me had too. But yes, i know, someone had to take care of the babies....you know theyre my lifeline, dont you? without them i might very easily have followed you, but i know that youd have been angry with me if i had, and for good reason, so i didnt. That doesnt mean i dont wish i could have tho. i cant help but think of life now, as the number of days, months, years i will have to endure without you. Life isnt a pleasure, its something to be endured, its a burden, and i just carry on thru it like a clockwork toy, going thru the motions. I know it didnt used to be like this, but it is now and its hard to remember what it felt like back then...i was a different person then.
You used to say that you were bOrken, but you werent, you just had some bits that didnt work so well. Im broken tho, and i cant seem to get the pieces to fit back together anymore, the pattern has changed, all gone to grey now. I miss you with every fibre of my being Alex, and i love you so much, and you were right.....you should always say i love you as many times as you can and i wish i had more often.
im crying too much to see the screen anymore so i think ill stop now. Wherever you are Alex, i hope you know that i love you and that you were and are, the light in my life. Wuvu.
Your catzy
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
A lot has happened. Today is 12 weeks to the day, that my fiance died suddenly in his sleep. It still hurts. I was of two minds as to whether or not to just get rid of this blog, but then it was suggested to me that i use it as a diary of my search for....whatever it is that im searching for. This is the thing....im not sure myself what i want, im adrift. Its like i died too on that day, and now, my body carries on doing stuff, but the rest of my isnt here anymore. I spent the last 2 years, taking care of Alex full time, and now i have no purpose. I have no job, and i dont think i could manage one even if i had one. Im just filling in the days, without anything to look forward to, to plan for...that all stopped 12 weeks ago. i miss him with every fibre of my being, and it just seems so wrong that he isnt here, wont ever be here again, that i wont ever hear his voice or be reduced to tears of laughter by some silliness of his. I just want to shout its all bloody wrong!!!!
I have no family, leastways none that i can talk with up here. Alexs mum is lovely to me, as are the rest of the family but theyre not here either, theyre downcountry. Alex and i were my family, with the animals, and im doing my best to take care of them, but a lot of that is done on autopilot, I have no one to talk to, and while most of the time thats fine cos i dont want to talk to anyone, sometimes it would be nice, but everyone avoids the person with the sadnesses. Its always been the way of humans and its no different now. Even my best friend admitted to feeling like i should "get over it" tho i understand that thats just cos she cant handle me being so upset. Sorry, but i AM upset and im gonna show it, and its gonna take a long time before its not the first thing i think of when i open my eyes and the last thing i think about before dropping off to sleep. Ive lost a part of myself and im bleeding and i cant pretend it doesnt hurt. The funny thing was that i dont think she realises just how obvious her pulling away was, and normally i guess that would have hurt my feelings, but right now my feelings are too busy with other things to care less.
I spend my days in a grey haze. i feed the cats, feed the dogs and let them out, let levi out, clear the dishwasher, and put in last nights things, watch the same tv shows over and over, day in day out, cook dinner, and maybe eat it, let the dogs in, feed levi and ozzy and put levi away and at some stage go to sleep, then repeat. I havent been able to bring myself to sleep in the bedroom, either bedroom for that matter since Alex died cos everything in there reminds me of him and i end up in tears, so i sleep on the couch so that i can leave the tv on all night to keep me company. I tend to wake up at least once a night and watch tv for a hour or two before i can try to sleep again.
i dont know if sleeping in the lounge is my way of distancing myself from the house cos i know i cant stay here, or what. Maybe it is, but i try not to think about that cos that way lies madness, I dont know what is going to happen and it scares me more than i care to admit. Ive looked for jobs but half the time i get part way into the listings and i stop, overwhelmed, or totally discouraged cos nothing is suitable. The few that ive applied for ive failed to get obviously, and that just confirms to me that im not wanted. I want alex back....i want him to reassure me that im not useless and that ill get there in the end. I thought years ago that id come to terms with being alone, and then i met him and i thought "i wont have to be alone any more" but thats not how it worked out.
He was my rock....he was the anchor that stopped me from going off the deep end, and now i dont have him anymore i dont feel stable at all, and i can feel depression looming up at me like a huge grey cloudbank. i cant write anymore
Alex, i love you and i miss you,
your catzy
I have no family, leastways none that i can talk with up here. Alexs mum is lovely to me, as are the rest of the family but theyre not here either, theyre downcountry. Alex and i were my family, with the animals, and im doing my best to take care of them, but a lot of that is done on autopilot, I have no one to talk to, and while most of the time thats fine cos i dont want to talk to anyone, sometimes it would be nice, but everyone avoids the person with the sadnesses. Its always been the way of humans and its no different now. Even my best friend admitted to feeling like i should "get over it" tho i understand that thats just cos she cant handle me being so upset. Sorry, but i AM upset and im gonna show it, and its gonna take a long time before its not the first thing i think of when i open my eyes and the last thing i think about before dropping off to sleep. Ive lost a part of myself and im bleeding and i cant pretend it doesnt hurt. The funny thing was that i dont think she realises just how obvious her pulling away was, and normally i guess that would have hurt my feelings, but right now my feelings are too busy with other things to care less.
I spend my days in a grey haze. i feed the cats, feed the dogs and let them out, let levi out, clear the dishwasher, and put in last nights things, watch the same tv shows over and over, day in day out, cook dinner, and maybe eat it, let the dogs in, feed levi and ozzy and put levi away and at some stage go to sleep, then repeat. I havent been able to bring myself to sleep in the bedroom, either bedroom for that matter since Alex died cos everything in there reminds me of him and i end up in tears, so i sleep on the couch so that i can leave the tv on all night to keep me company. I tend to wake up at least once a night and watch tv for a hour or two before i can try to sleep again.
i dont know if sleeping in the lounge is my way of distancing myself from the house cos i know i cant stay here, or what. Maybe it is, but i try not to think about that cos that way lies madness, I dont know what is going to happen and it scares me more than i care to admit. Ive looked for jobs but half the time i get part way into the listings and i stop, overwhelmed, or totally discouraged cos nothing is suitable. The few that ive applied for ive failed to get obviously, and that just confirms to me that im not wanted. I want alex back....i want him to reassure me that im not useless and that ill get there in the end. I thought years ago that id come to terms with being alone, and then i met him and i thought "i wont have to be alone any more" but thats not how it worked out.
He was my rock....he was the anchor that stopped me from going off the deep end, and now i dont have him anymore i dont feel stable at all, and i can feel depression looming up at me like a huge grey cloudbank. i cant write anymore
Alex, i love you and i miss you,
your catzy
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